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Sexy Dinner Doesn't Do it for Dick!

February 28, 2017

[Even if your food looks fit] Richard Dawkins, an accomplished author of a few of my own hard backs, doesn’t seem to get a metaphorical hard-on about his din dins? Poor man. A scientific lamenter of bad food and apparently Atheist lover of gruel.


Dawkins posed the question on Twitter, “…why does sex feel like the greatest experience life has to offer, but eating just routine?”

 

Well we all know that when something becomes routine, it gets boring unless you get good at it. Whether that’s the sex, cooking rice, or poaching an egg. It just takes practice; just like the sweet, sweet time you spend with yourself in the kitchen, or anyone else for that matter.


Whether it’s accomplishing baking with avocados, or succeeding in French sauces, Mr D; you only have to look to our friend The Internet for inspiration, food porn may I add is so easily accessible nowadays. (No need to be flicking through anymore well thumbed sticky Good Housekeeping magazines anymore!)


So don’t be so God(damned) deluded about the powers you wield, Sir.

Food is not to be blamed for being bland, nor is it to be lamented for being lame. Now, without further ado, here's a recipe inspired by one of the sauciest ladies in Hollywood, our very own home-baked Dame Joan Henrietta Collins, Mr Dawkins, which prompted me to post this for you.


Richard, if I may?

I take it you haven’t tried a hot baked potato with caviar yet, have you?


I read an anecdote from Dame Joan in a sidebar of shame or (I believe) the Evening Standard mag, she cooed at what a quick and easy midweek supper she enjoyed that her hubba-hubba makes for her consisting of the humble potato. 
My FOMO went out of control, the possibilities (I exalted to myself whilst commuting home on the Victoria line with the mag in my lap, accidentally nudging an oversized man in a tight suit next to me. I had slightly nudged him from his place in the Financial Times).

 

Indeed the possibilities are endless with most cooking, like I said, homeboy, it’s all about routine. Start doing it and doing it a lot. Food is something to fancy, not to forsake. I’m sure you get invited to lots of exquisite dinners, but I urge you to get yourself to an exotic (preferably for variety) East Asian Food Market. Bring lots bottles of things you don’t understand the writing of, home and you’ll be surprised with how much pleasure a bottle of stinky fish sauce can bring you. Also keep in your safe place; the balsamic bliss of Modena’s most mouth-pleasing export, some anchovies even and I can’t stress enough for you to take your time.

There’s a lot to be said for slow joys; like the humble slow cooker, frinstance. It does it all for you; it languishes, bubbling away in your kitchen corner, taking care of herself, ready to please you when you come home.


If you like it hot and quick, then get your woks-off to a high temperature to seal in awe inspiring umami flavours of fish or keep in the colour of vibrant vegetables.


Now, my superpower is being able to make anything vaguely boring or healthy, really dirty; so here is the moment you have been waiting for:

 

 

 

The Bouji-est Bouji Baked Potato (inspired by Joan Collins), you will ever have.


In a 90 minute just baked voluptuous potato, slap in some butter, then spoon on this well mixed mixture which consists of:

 

A tablespoonful of that cheap and amenable lily white creamy Philly cream-cheese. (You no doubt have in the back of your fridge, you naughty scamp?).

 

A handful of chopped firm spring onions.

 

A dollop of cooling natural yoghurt.

 

A spoons-thwack pool of fresh grated (or from a jar) horseradish.

 

Lastly some shavings and shards of hard salty Parmesan cheese.

 

To adorn the creamy white mass; Gently drizzle a spurt of balsamic vinegar over 2tsp of caviar (I bought a jar of inexpensive John West lumpfish caviar for Christmas and it didn’t get used, I’m not that sophisticated to have the sort of thing like caviar lying around usually, I’m sure Joan does) and then without getting too excited, spoon the little black bobbles on as elegantly and as delicately as you can.

 

* This serves 2, so it’s a recipe enough for yourself and a “special” guest.

 

Now eat it like a ravenous burly truck driver whilst feeling glamorous like our gal Joan, a very full and satisfied mightily fortified Dame Joan Collins and then and only then, tell me about the greatest experiences life has to offer?

 

If it doesn’t give you an epiphany or anything else for that matter, then sir, there is no God and you are doomed.


Good luck, a friend.

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