To help us celebrate Earth Day this April 25th, let’s go back in time for a party. We just need to take ten and half thousand earth spins back the other way around the sun so we can spend a Saturday with Mr & Mrs Palaeolithic, shall we?
Enter their sunset lit, hygge campfire cosy cave where we find them all a loin-clothed in leopard skin a-la Fred and Wilma.
Oh, but what's that on Mr & Mrs Paleo's feature wall?
It's a Palaeolithic eye-roll emoji carved into the stonework at the thought of modern people like us ‘popping’ into a store like Planet Organic to buy pre-made, packaged food in plastic wrap.
Just think, poor Mr Paleo has come back to Wilma from a day of foraging, only to return half dead from fighting with a swarm of bees and pre-historic racoon for a few under ripe goji berries. Whilst we’re here in the future, swinging our Hessian Planet Organic totes full of 'quinoa-and-kale-loaf-this' and 'spirulina-and-sulfate-free-apricot-sourdough-that'.
(Sorry, spoiler alert Paleo man! I hope it won't last, but your great-great x 1000's of greats-grandchildren and the Incas have an Oligocene long fad with quinoa too.)
I do hope that this food-fad passes to never darken our cupboard doors again, but it won’t the whole time we're following ‘SuzyFoodie’ out there who blogs about the '565 ways for us to stay keen on quinoa'.
You know what else isn’t Paleo, SuzyFoodie? Caveman Cookies! Sounds bloody lovely but they're about as ‘Paleo' as a potato chip and the same goes for the 'Paleo chorizo with turmeric' that PO pushes.
I’m sorry Planet Organic shoppers, but shopping for this shit is surely the antithesis of a Paleo lifestyle and diet. Seriously, food that is pre-packaged, pre-peeled even, surely can’t be Paleo? To be Paleo, you have to tussle for your tea, forage, fish or fight for it even.
Speaking of which, just because you roller-bladed over my handmade sandal to grab a juice cleanse and a grain-free granola doesn't make you closer to our cave man cousins than me, even if it meant you got to the till first. Side-eye aside. After spending more than ten minutes in Planet Organic, sadly I'm not inspired with any Nirvana-like ideas of nutrition, it actually makes me want to rebel. No way am I going to pay £7 for a bulb of fennel or £3 for a packet of ‘cauli-rice’ thank you, Captain Planet Organic!
I will, however, give you £8.35 for sweet snacks I don’t need, including some really small not-really-chocolate chocolates, a non-dairy yoghurt from the now soon to be exotic EU and a very calorific caffeine kick in a takeaway (I hope) biodegradable cup. I know! I'm just a maverick all hyped up on soy Matcha Late aren't I? It’s ok though, I did spend nearly 40 minutes of my lunch break “hunting” for my basket of snacks like I was still chasing after the Easter bunny, so technically I'm being "Paleo'. Don't call the Paleo Police on me will you now Wilma? (Also please let me at those snacks).
So the calorific coffee, you ask? It was called a 'Bullet'; Butter and Coconut Oil coffee. I'd once seen Antonio Carluccio on TV with an old lady in the hills of Northern Italy. She put a blob of freshly churned butter in his espresso. At the time, even he was nervous about his arteries, but apparently, it's something he completely advocates. Now if anyone’s an advert for why this isn’t a great idea, dad-bod-Carluccio is one, but it's something I'd never tried and it's something 'Paleo' that I think I could get on with; butter is good; coffee, is yes, good and I understand a double hit of ‘good fats are good for people on the ‘Paleo’ diet if you're exercising like a caveman. Apparently, (prepare to eye roll) it means your body turns good fats into energy faster, but it's really just a coffee flavoured lip-gloss which allows you to do the coconut oil ‘teeth pulling’ thing whilst getting caffeinated via your gums, but I can verify it is delicious!
Trouble is, I'm not working out like Wilma. The only Paleo thing I'm doing is not waxing my legs, so I don't think a buttered coffee can be that healthy, particularly if I like to have apple pie for breakfast with my first coffee of the day. *Humblebrag alert*, but saying that I do pick apples from a real tree that I actually climb. The last time I was going through a Paleo phase, picking my own food, I also had the help of my oh so pre-historic freezer and freeze them I did. Now those apples are also a strudel, jam, apple sauce, apple fruit leather, anyway, I do regularly run for the bus like I'm out running a T-Rex, so if I can drink butter and it takes the 'hell' out of healthy, my organic panic is over.